People Pleasing Is Rooted In THIS Fear & How to Biblically Overcome

Are you afraid of saying no because you worry about disappointing others, or do you over analyze every little thing you do to ensure everyone around you is happy, even at the expense of your own joy? Do you struggle to stop being a people-pleaser because doing so would displease people, so you’re trapped in this crazy cycle? As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing, I could say yes to all of those questions until I overcame the underlying fear behind all people-pleasing that finally set me free, and I’m sharing what that fear is and how to overcome it in today's video, so you too can break free from the trap of people-pleasing. Stay tuned! 

Today, we’re talking about something so important if we want to live free in Christ, and that is overcoming people-pleasing. Pleasing people isn’t just about trying to make everyone around you happy. It’s rooted in a much deeper fear that constantly feeds our people-pleasing tendencies. 

In today’s video, we will:

• Unpack what people pleasing really is, 
• How to recognize it in your own life
• And most importantly, how to break free using the truth of God’s Word.

Before we dive in, let’s make sure we’re all on the same page about what people pleasing actually is. People pleasing is when you prioritize making others happy, satisfied, or pleased with you—at the expense of staying true to who you are, who God has called you to be, and what He’s called you to do. People pleasing costs us our boundaries. It costs us our peace.  Sometimes, it even compromises our obedience to God.

Here’s the thing: in our minds, we might think we’re just doing something good. We convince ourselves, “I’m helping someone else because they need me to. If I don’t do it, nobody else will.” And then we fall into this martyr mentality, where we’re sacrificing everything without being asked. We confuse compassion for compromise.

Ultimately, we end up frustrated. We wonder why we’re so strained in our relationships even though we’re doing so much for everyone else. We ask, “Why am I so tired and drained? Why does it feel like nobody’s doing anything for me in return?” Instead of addressing the real issue, we think, “Maybe I just need to do more.” But no matter how much we do, it doesn’t fix the deeper fear driving all of this. It just keeps us stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing.

I want to share some signs that you might be caught in this trap. Let me know in the comments if any of this sounds familiar. 

• Overexplaining: You might find yourself overexplaining things—constantly clarifying what you meant or didn’t mean. Maybe you’re having a conversation with someone, and later, on the car ride home, you start thinking, “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. What if they misunderstood me?” You go over every little detail, replaying it in your head, worried about how you came across.
• Over-apologizing: Or maybe you over-apologize. How many times a day do you find yourself saying “sorry”? I’ve been there. It’s like you’re apologizing for things that don’t even need an apology because you are over concerned with how you come across to others. 
• Fear of conflict: Let’s talk about the fear of conflict. You’re so afraid of disappointing others that you overperform and do the most, even when it’s not asked or required, because you don’t want to upset anyone.
• Fear of Asking: You’re afraid to ask for what you need. So that overperforming we were talking about, you’re doing it in hopes that it will be returned to you so you won’t have to ask for what you need. But the truth is, others probably don’t even know what you need because you’re too scared to say it.
• Fear of saying no: Another sign is struggling to say no. You say yes to everything and then wonder why you’re so stressed, but you have a challenge setting and keeping clear boundaries in your relationships. 
• Overly seeking validation: You also find yourself constantly seeking validation. You want people to think you’re good, so you keep trying to prove it. But the problem is, no matter how much validation you get, it never feels like enough. You feel drained, tired, and overcommitted because you are. That’s what happens when you prioritize everyone else’s needs over your own.

Transparent moment: I’ve struggled with all of these. One memory that stands out for me is when I was a new mom. I felt like I had to do everything for everybody, keep the peace, and avoid conflict. I remember one day, I got sick and had to go to an urgent care clinic. While filling out the paperwork, they asked me, “Do you have a primary care doctor?” And I just froze. I thought, “Wow, I’m a grown woman and don’t even have a doctor.” My kids had a doctor. My husband had a doctor. I had made sure of that. But I hadn’t taken the time to find one for myself. I had completely neglected my own needs because I was so focused on taking care of everyone else. And it hit me—no one asked me to do all of this, especially at my own expense. 

I think we have this false idea that if we do everything for everybody else, everybody else will turn around and do everything for us. We want to eliminate conflict, avoid hard conversations, and dodge anything that makes us uncomfortable. But that’s just not how relationships actually work. You need to communicate with the people you’re in relationship with. You need to be honest about what you want and what you don’t want because the Bible tells us that love rejoices in the truth. (1 Corinthians 13:6) You also need to give other people the chance to tell you what they need instead of just assuming you know and bending over backward to make them happy and then being frustrated when they’re not.

Here’s the thing: other people’s happiness is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to be kind, to be patient, to be loving, and to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. How they respond to that is out of your control. And honestly, if you’re using your actions to try to control someone else—even if you think it’s for their good—that slips into the realm of manipulation. But that’s a whole other topic.

When we’re caught in this trap of people pleasing, there’s a deeper fear behind it. Galatians Chapter 1 gives us a really clear picture of this. The Apostle Paul wrote to the church in Galatia because they were dealing with false gospels—some false teachers were coming in and preaching things that weren’t true. To make themselves look legitimate, these false teachers tried to discredit Paul, bringing up his past mistakes, basically saying, “If you can’t trust Paul, you definitely can’t trust this gospel he’s preaching.”

So Paul writes this letter to clear everything up and refocus the believers on the one true gospel—that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, died for our sins and rose again and that if we believe in Him, we will be forgiven of our sins and have eternal life with God. There is no gospel apart from that. But instead of going on a big campaign to defend himself, Paul simply says in Galatians 1:10:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10 ESV)

Paul's words show us that you can either please God or commit your life to pleasing people. The underlying fear behind all people pleasing is a fear of man. When we fear people, we’ll do whatever it takes to avoid conflict, avoid division, avoid feeling bad—because we’ve rooted our value in what others think of us. But Paul didn’t care what the Galatians or the false teachers thought. He made it clear: “I’m a servant of God first and always, regardless of your opinion.” And because he wasn’t afraid of people’s judgment, he was able to confront the Galatians head-on and guide them back to the truth.

When God called the prophet Jeremiah to speak God’s truth to God’s people, God knew Jeremiah would face opposition. So God told him:

“Do not be afraid of their faces, for I am with you to deliver you,” says the Lord.” (Jeremiah 1:8 NKJV)

When God said not to be afraid of their faces, it meant not to be afraid of others' reactions when doing what God called him to do. Do not be afraid of their disapproval or rejection because people pleasing will have you distracted with people's responses instead of serving God. 

This is why Jesus says:

“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” (Matthew 10:28 ESV) 

When you truly fear God, your mind is on Him. Your commitment is to obey Him; your heart is to serve Him. And when that’s where your focus is, you really don’t have time to worry about what everybody else thinks or how they might respond. Let them worry about themselves.

Now, you might be wondering, “Does that mean I’m supposed to just be mean to people?” Absolutely not. If you love God, you will love people. But that doesn’t mean you’ll please them 100% of the time. People pleasing is when we try to love people in the way we think they want to be loved—bending to their every whim to make ourselves feel good. Deep down, people-pleasing isn't even about others. It’s all about you. But true love is loving others the way God calls us to. That’s why when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He didn’t say, “Make everybody happy.” He said, “Love God first, and then love others.” (Matthew 22:37) We flip that around, thinking if we keep everybody pleased, that’ll show we love God. But actually, that shows we’re afraid of people more than we love God. When we love and fear God first, we end up loving people accurately. Will you offend others sometimes? Yes. Will you make others happy all the time? No—and neither did Jesus. Jesus loved people deeply, to the point He sacrificed His own life, but He wasn’t controlled by what they thought of Him. He made it very clear: “I’m here about My Father’s business.” And the more we adopt that mindset, the more we break free from people pleasing.

The key to overcoming people pleasing is to fear God and no one else. 

So how do we grow in the fear, or another way to say it is reverence, respect, or awe of God?

Well, we have to know Him. We have to develop a personal relationship with Him and experience that He is worthy of that reverence as you see that His love and power is real and greater than any man. It’s then you start to understand that God’s approval matters more than anyone else’s. You trust that even if people say false things about you, He’s got your reputation in His hands. He will restore you. He’ll vindicate you. 

So here’s what I want you to do. Fill your mind with the truth of who God is and who He says you are—not what other people think. The more you align yourself with God’s truth, the weaker those lies of people pleasing become that say, “Your worth is in what people think,” or, “You’re validated by what you do for other people.” People pleasing loses its power in the presence of God. 

I also want you to know it’s okay to say “no.” Being a Christian doesn’t mean you have to make everybody happy. In fact, if you’re truly being real about your faith, you’re not going to make everyone happy. That’s often a sign you’re loving God the right way. So, seek God’s approval first before worrying about anyone else’s. Pray for boldness to do what He’s called you to do, and surround yourself with other believers who are on that same journey.

I’ve been reminding myself of 2 Timothy 1:7 all year. It says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (NKJV) When we stop being led by the fear of people’s opinions, we’re free to live the abundant life Christ died for us to have. And that’s the life He wants for you.

To do so, you’ll need to fill your mind with the truth of God, so I invite you to watch this video where I teach a simple 3 step process on how to pray God’s word. For more encouragement, download my free Bible Study called “Worry-Free” to learn the 3 lies feeding your worry and the truth to set you free at belovedwomen.org. Thanks for watching, and until next time, be beautiful, be blessed, and beloved.