The Deceptive Power of Flattery: What the Bible Really Says
I know you’re kind and you’ve got a heart of pure gold, but let me be real: I’m getting tired of seeing you get hooked by every sweet compliment that comes your way. So I’m about to spill the tea on why flattery can be so dangerous, what the Bible really says about it, and how you can protect yourself from manipulation once and for all.
Everyone loves a good compliment, but have you ever felt uneasy when someone complimented you because you questioned the sincerity of the compliment? Chances are they were flattering you, and while we often may see flattery as a good thing, the Bible gives us numerous warnings against flattery.
In today's video, you’ll learn:
- The danger of flattery and why the Bible warns about its deception
- How to discern if someone is trying to manipulate you using flattery
- How to respond to flattery in a biblical way that keeps you protected and free
So before we get started, I want to talk about what flattery is because you may think, “Oh, flattery is just when someone compliments you. Maybe you think, ‘Oh, they’re just being nice.’” On the surface, yes, it does appear that way. But flattery is actually insincere, often over-the-top praise given to someone with negative intent—usually to manipulate, deceive, or to gain self-seeking favor.
So maybe you’ve heard someone say, “You need to butter them up before you ask for something.” To butter someone up means to make them more easily manipulated so you can get what you want from them. It’s kind of like if you had a ring stuck on your finger: you would butter your finger to make it smooth so that the ring could easily slip off. When you butter someone up—when you flatter them—you’re making it easier to get them to move the way you want them to move, without them knowing. That’s what makes flattery a form of manipulation. That’s what makes it so bad, and the Bible confirms this throughout the scriptures. Let’s talk about a few reasons why flattery is actually harmful.
THE DANGERS OF FLATTERY
- Flattery is Deceptive
First, flattery is harmful because it’s deceptive. Some people may get confused and think, “Wait a minute, what’s so bad about flattery? It makes other people feel good.” But so do illicit drugs, and illicit drugs kill people every single year. Just because flattery makes people feel good initially doesn’t mean it’s good, because under the surface, flattery is deceptive—there are ulterior motives behind the compliments that the person being flattered doesn’t know about.
We see that Satan in the Garden of Eden, when he deceives Eve, uses a form of indirect flattery. He tells her that if she eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, she’ll be like God. And God knows this, Satan insinuates, which is why God’s holding this good thing back from her. But Satan is flattering her, saying, “Well, shouldn’t you be like God?” Yes, she was made in the image of God, but she was not God. Satan is basically saying, “Shouldn’t you be more than what God is giving you? Don’t you deserve more?” That’s a compliment, but it’s rooted in flattery, deception, and untruths. Also, Satan thought the complete opposite: he was jealous, upset, and hated humanity. He didn’t believe she needed some elevated, godlike stature; he was trying to cause her to fall, and he was successful at it. His words didn’t match his intention, and that’s what makes flattery so deceptive. Psalm 12:2–3 says:
“Everyone utters lies to his neighbor; with flattering lips and a double heart they speak. May the Lord cut off all flattering lips, the tongue that makes great boasts.” (Psalm 12:2-3 ESV)
Here, the scripture tells us that flattering lips cover up a double heart—that means saying something you don’t really mean. That’s deceptive.
- Flattery is Rooted in Lies
The second reason flattery is bad is because it’s rooted in a lie, whether it’s speaking falsely (complimenting someone in a way you don’t truly believe) or insinuating something to get the person to think a lie about themselves. Proverbs 29:5 says:
“A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” (Proverbs 29:5 ESV)
In short, it’s a trap. That’s essentially what lies are: traps to prevent you from knowing the truth. Flattery does the same thing.
- Flattery is rooted in greed and selfishness.
Finally, flattery is bad because it’s greedy and selfish. The goal of flattery is not to edify and encourage, as we’re instructed to do with our words in the Bible. Instead, flattery uses words to use others for selfish gain. Romans 16:18 says:
“For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naïve.” (Romans 16:18 ESV)
This scripture tells us that these smooth talkers who use flattery to deceive do it for their own appetites, not for the benefit of anyone but themselves. This is what makes flattery so bad: it’s selfish, it’s rooted in lies, and it’s deceptive, manipulative, and harmful.
SIGNS OF FLATTERY
So now you may be wondering, “How do I know when I’m being flattered? How do I ensure that I’m not being deceived?” First, you have to be able to recognize and discern when someone is flattering you. It’s very hard to know if someone is genuinely complimenting you or deceptively flattering you to try to manipulate you, because flattery truly is a heart issue. However, there are signs you can pay attention to that can help you discern if someone is genuinely speaking highly of you out of a sincere heart, or if they are just flattering you.
- Over-the-top Compliments
The first sign is their compliments over the top and unrealistic? Usually, someone who is trying to flatter you will be super exaggerated and often repeat themselves to the point where you’re just like, “Okay, thanks, but it’s not that serious.” I’m not talking about receiving someone’s compliments in a way that’s rooted in low self-esteem, where you don’t believe good things about yourself. But if you have a healthy level of self-esteem and someone is just hyping you up so much that you’re kind of like, “Where is this coming from?”—pay attention. I’m not saying we need to walk around and be paranoid, but this is one sign to look for (in addition to all the other signs I’m going to list).
- Compliments Always Followed by a Request
The second sign is that those over-the-top compliments are always followed by a request. Usually, there’s some sort of connection between the compliment and the request. They’re not just complimenting you; it’s always because they want something. For example, “Oh my gosh, you do such a good job at cleaning your house; you keep it so clean. Hey, can you come to Johnny’s birthday party and help clean up afterward because you’re just so good at it?” Or, “Oh my gosh, you’re so good at administration and keeping things organized. Can you help me plan my grandma’s 90th birthday party?” I get that people will compliment you and make requests based on your gifts, but if every time they compliment you it’s associated with a request—like they can’t just compliment you because you’re good at something—that might be a sign they’re flattering you. Again, these are just signs to pay attention to; they don’t always mean someone is flattering you. Don’t be quick to jump to conclusions, but be aware.
- Something Feels Off
The third sign is that something just feels off when this person is complimenting you. There’s nothing wrong with people complimenting you or asking for favors, but when there’s a pattern and in your own spirit, it just feels off or disingenuous, then it’s time to be discerning and pay attention. Again, don’t live paranoid, but also don’t be naïve and think everyone has your best interest in mind. Remember Romans 16:18: those who talk smoothly and flatter deceive those who are naïve, so use judgement.
If something feels off, pay attention and keep looking for signs. Also, pray and ask God to reveal people’s intentions to you, because He knows their hearts more than anyone else.
- Actions Don’t Match Words
Finally, make sure that if someone is complimenting you and saying certain things, their words actually match their actions. If they say, “You’re so beautiful, I love you, I want to be with you; can you do all these things for me?” but then they don’t treat you that way, chances are they’re just flattering you and not being sincere in what they’re actually saying.
BIBLICAL EXAMPLE
I want to give you an example from the Bible, because there’s nothing new under the sun. Flattery has been going on forever, and I want us to get a good understanding of it. In Matthew 22:15–17, we see that the Pharisees (the religious leaders) actually tried to flatter Jesus. It reads:
“Then the Pharisees went and plotted how to entangle him in his words. And they sent their disciples to him, along with the Herodians, saying, ‘Teacher, we know that you are true and teach the way of God truthfully, and you do not care about anyone’s opinion, for you are not swayed by appearances. Tell us, then, what you think. Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?’” (Matthew 22:15-17 ESV)
Here, we see that the religious leader's intentions were harmful. They wanted to trap Jesus, so we know this isn’t good. Plus, their words are over the top, like, “We just know you’re true, and you don’t care about anybody’s opinion,” basically boosting Jesus up. But if they really believed His words were true, they wouldn’t be trying to trick Him—they’re just using their words to flatter. They pretended to honor Jesus, but they were really trying to trick Him into saying something that would get Him in trouble. Although their words sounded respectful, their motive was deceptive.
Let’s look at how Jesus handled it. He was discerning; He saw all the signs and knew their intentions were off. In verse 18, it says:
“But Jesus, aware of their malice, said, ‘Why put me to the test, you hypocrites?’” (Matthew 22:18 ESV)
Now, I’m not telling you to go out and call people hypocrites if you think they’re flattering you, but what Jesus does here is show the clear difference between their words and their actions. That’s what makes someone a hypocrite: you say you live one way or believe one thing, but you act in an entirely different way. This is the number one way to decipher if someone is manipulating you through flattery. Jesus was not naïve. He knew that just because someone says something good about Him doesn’t mean they’re for Him. We have to have that same discernment.
HOW TO RESPOND TO FLATTERY
So, when you recognize that someone is flattering you, how should we respond to it? There are three ways I want you to take away as practical application steps:
- Do not let flattery get to your head. Flattery feeds and survives on pride. It will have you so focused on yourself that you won’t even see how the other person is manipulating or deceiving you, which is their whole plan. Stay honest about who you are and don’t get a big head. Realize that the more power you gain, the more money you make, and the more you elevate in life, the more susceptible you become to flattery. As we look at different examples in the Bible, we see that those who were manipulated through flattery were usually kings, prophets, and even Jesus, because these are people in positions of power. If you let your power, status, or money give you a big head, it can be used against you as you start to believe your own hype. People will manipulate you to get what they want through flattery. You see a lot of leaders fall because of flattery because they don’t stay humble in their position of power, and it’s used against them.
- Test people’s words against their actions. What someone truly believes will eventually line up with their actions. People can lie for a while, but as time goes on, you’ll see whether their words align with their actions. If they don’t, that will reveal the true intention of their heart—whether they’re sincere or just flattering you. Don’t be naïve; pay attention to inconsistencies and don’t ignore them.
- Keep and set clear boundaries. Boundaries always reveal someone’s heart. Someone who is using flattery to manipulate you is thinking, “If I say this, then they will do that.” If it doesn’t work out that way, eventually they will become impatient, aggressive, and angry, and those compliments will probably turn into criticism. There goes that inconsistency. Don’t be confused when this happens; it’s just their true heart’s intention coming out, revealing that their compliments were just a form of manipulation through flattery.
It is my hope that today’s video gives you a clear understanding of flattery and encourages you not to use flattery as a manipulation tactic, because that is not of God and it does not please Him. God has told us to use our words to speak the truth in love, to edify, and to build up. I also think you now have some really good tools to recognize when someone is trying to manipulate you through flattery and how to respond to it in a healthy way.
I now want to invite you to watch this video, where I share 5 more ways the enemy is deceiving you and how to overcome.
For more encouragement, download my free Bible Study, “Worry-Free,” to learn the three lies feeding your worry and the truth to set you free at belovedwomen.org. Thanks for watching, and until next time, be beautiful, blessed, and beloved.
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